Kingdom Hearts: The Producers
by abfiaj
Summary: Riku Bialystock and Sora Bloom plot to make money by producing a play that is guaranteed to be a surefire flop: Springtime for Xemnas. Crossover btw. KH & The Producers! R&R!


Kingdom Hearts: The Producers

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this crossover between the hit video game series and the hit Broadway musical, unless, of course, there is something here which was in neither, in which case, I do own that.

Act I, Scene I

"Opening Night"

Yuffie and Aerith:

Opening night...

It's opening night!

It's Riku Bialystock's latest show

Will it stink or will it go?

The cast is taking its final bow

Here comes the audience now

The doors are open: they're on their way...

Let's hear what they have to say!

Moogle Ensemble:

He's done it again

He's done it again

Riku Bialystock has done it again!

We can't believe it

You can't conceive it...

Man Moogle:

How'd he achieve it?

Moogle Ensemble:

It's the worst show ever done!

We sat there sighing

Groaning and crying

There's no denying

It's the worst show ever done!

Women Moogles:

Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss...

Men Moogles:

We've seen shit...

Moogle Ensemble:

But never like this!

Riku Bialystock has done it again!

The songs were dark

The book lacked spark

What he did to Mooglespeare

Tron did to Sark!

Seifer:

We made this special for Riku Bialystock.

(He switches the "Opening Night" sign to "Closing Night." Everyone laughs.)

Moogle Ensemble:

We couldn't leave faster...

Yuffie and Aerith:

What a disaster!

Everybody:

We are still in shock

Who produced this shlock?

That slimey crook, Riku Bialystock!

What a bum!

(The song ends and the crowd laughs at Riku. Yuffie and Aerith walk over to read the review in the newspaper he is holding.)

Riku:

The reviews come out a lot faster when the critics fly out during intermission.

(Yuffie and Aerith walk away, upset.)

Riku:

(reading the article) "By the end of Chocoboy, Riku Bialystock's hopeless musical of Moogles, everybody is tortured to death and/or slain with the Gunblade. They were the lucky ones." (teary-eyed) And this is the best review we had.

(Wakka walks over to him, playing the violin.)

Riku:

Where did I go wrong? Somebody... Someone tell me, please! What the hell happened to me. (to Wakka) You're looking at the guy who...

(Wakka isn't looking at him. Riku turns his head so Wakka is looking at him.)

Riku:

You're looking at the guy...

"The Key to Broadway"

Who used to be the key.

The key to old Broadway.

The best of destiny

Was mine to have each day.

I always had the best reviews

The biggest bunch of leather shoes

All the girls gave me my coos

I never was the boos in any way!

Yuna, Rikku, Paine:

We believe you, Moogles wouldn't

We believe you, ev'ry word

We believe you, Summons couldn't

We believe each word we've heard

Riku:

I used to be the key...

Yuna, Rikku, Paine:

The Key?

Riku:

The key to old Broadway...

Wakka:

It's good to be the key!

Riku:

My praises they would sing

A Merlin so they'd say

My shows always had unique style

I never heard any bile

The girls would always stay a while

I would always give a smile every day!

Yuna, Rikku, Paine, Wakka, Yuffie, Aerith:

We believe you, Moogles wouldn't

We believe you, ev'ry word

We believe you, Summons couldn't

We believe each word we've heard

Riku:

There was a time

When I was young and gay...

But straight

There was a time

When I was funny

There was a time

When each and ev'ry play I touched

Would turn to munny

Chorus:

There was a time

He wore the finest suits

His boots were always new

Ahh!

Riku

Now I wear a rented shirt

That's two weeks overdue!

Chorus:

Rueful Riku, what a shmoozer

Rueful Riku, what a shame

Rueful Riku, what a loser

Rueful Riku, goodbye fame

Riku:

Such reviews! How dare they insult me in this manner?

How quickly they forget. I am Riku Bialystock!

The first producer ever to bring Heartless to the stage!

Chorus:

Once he was the key...

Riku:

You've heard of the Underdrome?

You're looking at the man who invented Theatredrome!

People never had to worry about getting the cheap seats!

Chorus:

Key to old Broadway…

Riku:

I've spent my entire life in the theater.

I was a protege of the great Jiminy Cricket.

Chorus:

Ooh!

Riku:

Yes. He taught me everything I know.

I'll never forget, he turned to me on his deathbed and said,

"Rikukin, ymma sahclrah sicc wi sylrah, zatah dik y kahdwah gylrah!"

Random Woman:

What does that mean?

Riku:

Who knows? I don't speak Al Bhed. Strangely enough, neither did he.

But in my heart I knew what he was saying.

He was saying, when you're down and out, and everybody thinks you're finished, hat's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout,

"Who do you have to fuck to get a break in these stinkin' worlds!"

Chorus:

Yay!

(A long musical interlude)

Riku:

I used to be the key

The key to old Broadway

Again I will be key

And be on top to stay

Chorus:

On top to stay, hey!

Riku:

There'll be gala opening nights again

You'll see my name in lights again

I'll go from dark to brights again

My spirits high as kites again

I'll never suffer slights again

I'll taste those sweet delights again

No plethora of plights again

No blossoming of blights again

No frantic fits or frights again

Fame is in my sights again

I'll take those fancy flights again

I'm gonna scal the heights again

Bialystock will never drop

Bialystock will never stop...

Bialystock will be on top again

Chorus:

Fame is in his sights again

He'll take those fancy flights again

He's gonna scale the heights again

Riku & Chorus:

He'll (I'll) be on top again, hey!


End file.
